Suicide

Robin Williams committed suicide this past week and the reaction was one of great shock and disbelief that the man who made us laugh till we cried fell victim to the dark, dark, dark side of depression. For the first time, Robin Williams made us cry with no laughter in sight...

My iWitness...

My earliest remembrance of understanding the meaning of suicide was when I was 8 years old.

Nine years later I would come into my first real contact with suicide.

My first "paycheck paying" job was at Carl's Jr. restaurant in The City Shopping Center in Orange County, California. I loved working "fast food" and thoroughly enjoyed the comrarderie of my workmates. There always seemed to be a group of us who would head out to the beach after our shift ended or take in a movie up in Los Angeles. The Carl's Jr. Christmas party was the first party I ever attended where alcohol was served.

At 11:00 pm one night in November one of my workmates called me and woke me up from a nice deep slumber. I had my own personal phone line in my bedroom. Even in my groggy state I could tell my friend was a little upset about something. And when he said this next line my senses went into immediate overdrive, "David, I am going to tell you something and then I am going to do something and then you will never see me again."

I remember becoming very panicky with my heart beating more rapidly with each passing minute.
"Hold on just a minute! Whatever it is, we can talk it through, we can work it out. Hold on here just a minute."

His words became more garbled as his tears and crying voice intensified, but the message was crystal clear, "David, I am going to tell you something and then I am going to do something and then you will never see me again."

As my pleadings and his insistence came to a fever pitch, he told me something...

"David, I'm gay..."

And then he hung up the phone...and within seconds all I heard was the monotone dial tone...

Since that day I have come across far too many cases of suicide...

One of my best friends in college called to say that his lovable, adorable, fun loving dad had taken his own life...

As a pastor in Augusta, Georgia one of my friend's father called to tell her that he was going to commit suicide. She pleaded with him to wait until she made the four hour drive. He said he would wait. Fifteen minutes before she arrived he shot himself. When she opened the front door there he was in his recliner, shotgun on the floor with his dog sitting on his lap wimpering.

Just a few years ago I went through a one year stretch where I knew or was acquainted with 13 people who committed suicide. One of them was my youth group leader who mentored me in my high school years to become a more devoted follower of Jesus.

Suicide equals a lot of heartache, a lot of pain, a lot of questions and a lot of tears...

I used to think suicide was the most selfish choice a person could make. I used to think that if you committed suicide you were going straight to hell. I don't think those things anymore...

Here's what I do think...

Depression is one of our most haunting and debilitating diseases. It grabs us by the throat and takes us down the deepest, darkest, dankest path anyone has ever traveled all the while telling us over and over, there is no way out, there is no tomorrow, there is no getting better, everything will only get worse...

And this chorus rains down on our heart and mind so fast and so much that it floods us with one thought and one thought only, "The only way out is to take myself out..."

And some people do...
Some people don't, but some people do...
And I do believe that those who do, in their minds, this is the most logical, rational, courageous choice to make.

And I do believe that in that moment where those who committ suicide move from life to death, Jesus is right there with His tender arms tightly wrapped around them weeping with them and for them...

May God continue to have mercy on us all...

There, but for the grace of God, go I....


And that's my iWitness...
Laugh often (not so much today!) and Fear not!
David!

Jesus said, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life." (John 8. 12)

May the light of Jesus shine bright in all of our lives...

Epilogue....

I callled my friend from Carl's Jr.'s uncle about the whereabouts of my friend that night. His uncle said that my friend had just left the house. I told my mom and dad what had happened and they said that I was as white as a ghost. I felt completely helpless and mad at myself that I couldn't "talk" my friend out of this most drastic step...

The next day I called Carl's Jr. asking if my friend had shown up for work. They said, "No he hasn't. He was scheduled to work today but didn't show up."

During the lunch hour at school I shelled out a few more quarters in the pay phone by the gym, calling around looking for my friend. He was nowhere to be found...

At 4:30 in the afternoon my phone in my bedroom rang and I picked it up and heard my friend's familiar voice..."David, can we talk?"  And talk we did....

Tan Lines

I must admit that after spending the last three months teaching tennis outdoors, in the sunshine, my tan has never had a more solid base and my body has an incredible healthy golden bronze hue. I am looking pretty good these days!!

The other day I took Faith and Joshua to the pool and when I took off my shoes and socks and my t-shirt I realized something very horrifying... My feet are the most brilliant pasty white you have ever witnessed. My torso is equally pale in color and hue. I am not looking so good these days!!

Reality set in quickly as I realized I am only tanned and bronzed where the sun shines.

My iWitness...

To further complicate things, after making this awful discovery I quickly lathered my pale body parts with sunscreen that had the sunblock number 250 on the side of the bottle. I did the best I could to keep the pale parts exactly that - PALE!

The harsh, stark reality is that I only let people see the tanned parts of my body of which I am most proud.

This raised a very deep question for me as I sat poolside wallowing in my own dilemma.

My spiritual life is only "tanned" and "bronzed" and worth showing off to the world around me where I allow the "Son" to shine.

Those areas of my spiritual life that are "pale", I go to great lengths to cover them up with "Sonblock"!

The time has come for me to take off the "shoes and socks and t-shirts" of my spiritual life and let the Son shine His light on me in such a way so as to have a more evenly "tanned" life.

Let the "Son" shine today and let the "pale" parts of life soak in the life giving rays of His love and grace!

And that's my iWitness...
Laugh often and Fear not!
David!

"Again Jesus spoke to them, saying, 'I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.'" (John 8. 12)

Best Friend, Worst Enemy



I ran into a friend of mine yesterday that I hadn't seen in a long time.
We have a very unusual relationship.
He's been my best friend.
He's also been my worst enemy...

My iWitness...

We stood face to face and acknowledged one another.
Yesterday our relationship was somewhere between friend and tolerable acquaintance.
He looks much younger than I remember even though the gray around his temples would suggest otherwise.
His compassionate eyes still have that sparkle but they also looked tired and lost, longing for something of which I wasn't quite sure...
I inquired, "How ya doing?"
His response of, "You know..." left me wanting to scream, "No! I don't know!"

That awkward moment finally eased into a gentle conversation about life, family and transitions.
He seemed a little out of sorts, a little off balance, as if his "A" game was playing at a "C-" level.
He is a man of great faith and devotion. Talented and gifted in many ways. The best I could tell was that he had taken some hits lately and simply needed a few "W's" in the win column to get back on his feet again.

I tried to offer some assurances.
His green/hazel eyes stared back at me, penetrating my deepest intentions with a look of, "I've heard all of this before."

His hearty laugh broke the tension and I laughed with him. O how many times we have laughed out loud about so many of life's events and peculiarities.

Our shoulders seemed to relax the more we talked.
Before we knew it a good chunk of time had passed.
The silence that announces that the conversation is over for now arrived...

We stared at one another, "best friend, worst enemy" and then he gave me that look...
that look that belies the circumstances, issues and feelings of the day and offers with supreme confidence that God willing, he will be back, he will run again, he will even soar as if he were an eagle!

He flashed me that brilliant smile..
His left eye gave me that knowing wink that I have come to love for many years...
It was time to say goodbye...
And with that I turned and walked away from the mirror...

And that's my iWitness...
Laugh often and Fear not!
David!

Create in me a clean heart, O God,
and renew a right spirit within me.
Cast me not away from your presence,
and take not your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
and uphold me with a willing spirit." (Psalm 51. 10-12)

I Need Help...

The message was short...

Six words...

"Please call me (insert phone number) I need help"

Each word carried weight... gravitas
Each word carried a sense of urgency...Now! Not tomorrow or next week.
Each word was written with a humble, gracious, loving heart...Please...call...me...I...need...help...

And so I did...

My iWitness...

My friend said, "I'm okay and then broke down in a flood of tears."

What is it about us that we tell others we are "okay" and the harsh reality is that we are on the verge of a tsunami of tears?

What is it about hearing a trusted voice on the other end of the phone that makes everything feel better in an instant?

What is it about being comforted by someone who has walked the downtrodden dusty trail just a few miles ahead of us that is profoundly soothing?

What is it about the privilege of jumping down into the deep hole of despair with a friend and being with them in their pain and as they dissolve into a puddle of tears so do you?

What is it about coming along someone who is hurting and putting your arm around their neck and holding them close that brings healing not only to them but to your heart as well?

What is it about the scriptures that when we recited Jeremiah 29.11 together, our voices in perfect sync with one another over the cellular air waves, "I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" we were provided an immediate sure foundation of knowing without a doubt that we indeed do have hope and a future?

What is it about being open about our woundedness that brings not judgment but compassion and tears and love and a true desire to bring one another to restoration and reconciliation?

What is it about a plea shouting, "I NEED HELP" that allowed our conversation to eventually end with laughter?

What is about God's promise that He is an ever present help in our time of trouble?
"God is our refuge and strength,
     a very present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way,
     though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and foam,
    though the mountains tremble at its swelling." (Psalm 46. 1-3)

What is it about?
It's about you and me being courageous and vulnerable enough to utter three of the most difficult words that have ever been put together in this specific order!

I need help...

I know I do...
How bout you?

And that's my iWitness...
Laugh often and Fear not!
David!

"Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep." (Romans 12. 15)

Trust That

Like a wave building two hundred yards out from shore slowly but powerfully growing into a wall of water, cresting, pausing and then crashing down into a rush of white foam, so too was the ladies' laughter from the utility company when I told her that I had filled out an order form online and was calling to check on the status of the order.

By the time she caught her breath from laughing, I was laughing as well and finally this little bit of frivolity ended with her saying, "Oh sir, I'm sorry. But you filling out an online order form with our company and you thinking that it actually went through... you can't trust that."

My iWitness...

Have you ever offered up a prayer to God and wondered:
"Did that prayer go through?"
"That online prayer order form that I just filled out in spiritual cyberspace...did it get to its intended recipient?"
"Is there some type of bureaucratic pipeline filled with twists and stops whereby my prayer request just got clogged up in the molasses type flow?"
Is there any way to bypass all of this and find someone who has a direct pipeline that can speed up the process?"

Those are just a few of the thoughts that have ruminated through my mind over the years.

Here's the good news...
Listen carefully:

"Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." (Hebrews 4. 14-16)

I love the last verse...

Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need...

Going to God with confidence that God hears, listens and helps?
You can trust that!

And that's my iWitness...
Laugh often and Fear not!
David!

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.
Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and turn away from evil.
It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones." (Proverbs 3. 5-8)

Not a Seat in the House

I moved into the house that I am renting over the weekend.
The owner is still doing some upgrades to the kitchen which is creating quite a mess downstairs.
That means that most of my "stuff" is in the garage and that most of my "time" is spent in the master bedroom upstairs.
Yesterday it hit me that outside of the three commodes there is "not a seat in the house."

My iWitness...

I have a good friend who has kept the same routine every night for the last 30 plus years.
Before tucking himself in for the night, he kneels.
He kneels beside the bed...
He kneels before his Maker...
He kneels in prayer...
He kneels as he lifts up in prayer his family, his friends, his coworkers, his life...
And then he gets up... it takes a little bit longer today than it did 30 years ago...and goes to sleep.

I was once told by a police officer friend of mine that when securing a suspect it is imperative to get them into a kneeling position. It is the most vulnerable and weakest position to be in. It's very difficult to do much harm while in the kneeling position.

With "not a seat in the house" I found myself doing that which my friend and others have been doing for centuries... kneeling in prayer. I feel very vulnerable and weak in this position. It's okay... I am in good company... If it's okay for Jesus to do it, then it must be okay for me to do it as well...
"And Jesus withdrew from them about a stone's throw and knelt down and prayed..." (Luke 22.41)

I'm wondering if you would join me in kneeling before God to offer up our prayers and praise...

"Oh come, let us worship and bow down;
let us kneel before the Lord, our Maker!
For he is our God, and we are the people of his pasture,
and the sheep of his hand. (Psalms 95. 6-7)

And that's my iWitness...
Laugh often and Fear not!
David!

At The Top of My Lungs

I drove into the shopping center. All the normal eateries and big box stores had their signs that shouted their presence in the middle of this megalopolis they call Houston.
I parked the car.
Got out and started making my way toward the front doors of the latest church I would "check out" to see if this just might be the place where God wants me and my family to serve.
The greeters, who had big smiles on their faces were enthusiastically engaged with other visitors or perhaps friends as I walked into the foyer of this large church completely unnoticed and without a greeting of "Welcome to our Church." (Sidenote - As a pastor this drives me crazy when this happens. I wondered if I would make it out at the end of the service without anyone saying hello.)

I wandered around a bit looking at the various ministries and watching other people enjoy the joy of fellowship of knowing one another in the context of a church setting.
I went in and found a seat in the middle on the aisle about halfway to the front of the worship center.
No one else sat in my row of 15 chairs.
I felt quite lonely and quite alone.
Nothing worse than being in a large group of people where everyone else is laughing and carrying on great conversation and there you sit rereading your worship bulletin for the 5th time.

The five piece band started to play at the allotted time - 11:00 am.
And they were loud!
I mean really loud!
The bare, polished concrete underneath me and the unfinished ceiling above me created quite the echo chamber. The 1,000 plastic chairs only enhanced the reverberations.

The second song we sang is one of my favorites...

10,000 Reasons by Matt Redman...

The chorus goes like this...

Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

When we got to the line: Sing like never before

I did just that!!

For the first time in my life in a church setting...
I sang
AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS!!!
I mean...
AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS!!!

My iWitness...

When was the last time you sang a song about God at the top of your lungs?

With the music being so loud, the invitation to sing at the top of my lungs could not have been more obvious. I took full advantage of it.

In the midst of feeling a little out of place in a new worship venue, stinging a little bit from not being greeted and my butt hurting from sitting in a flimsy plastic chair, I stood up and felt the presence of God fill me up with enough oxygen to blast His praise at the top of my lungs. God is worth singing to at that volume regardless of my circumstances, feelings and issues!

Rarely have I felt so liberated, so blessed, so full of joy, so uninhibited, so beside myself in singing as loud as my voice would project. Maybe it was a good thing no one else sat near me!!

I felt a new kinship to and appreciation for my namesake David as he writes in the Psalms:

Shout for joy in the Lord, O you righteous!
Praise befits the upright.
Give thanks to the Lord with the lyre (or acoustic, electric and bass guitar!);
make melody to him with the harp of ten strings!
Sing to him a new song;
play skillfully on the strings, with loud shouts. (Psalm 33. 1-3)

The church service was over after 90 minutes of singing, praying, preaching, more singing and then communion.
I walked out with no one saying anything to me...
It didn't matter...
My heart was too full to care otherwise!
I had done something with God I had never done before...
I shouted for joy...
I gave thanks to God...
I sang to Him a new song...
I sang "like never before"...
At The Top of My Lungs!!

And that's my iWitness
Laugh often and Fear not!
David!