Loss

I will never greet a New Year with the same gusto and excitement that I used to after what I experienced the first few days of last year... 2012

It began with a friend's husband taking his own life at work leaving behind a beautiful wife and two precious children ages seven and nine. To be with the new widow at her breakfast table at 9:15 only an hour after the news of her loss, with her kleenex clenched hands on her tear stained cheeks, elbows on the table, still in her bath robe and looking across the table her voice cracking asking the painful question, "What do I do now?", was a moment in time where the oxygen of life was sucked out of the air and the lone heartbeat of brokenness and pain was the only sound I could hear.

Ninety minutes later we stood at the door of her mother-in-law's apartment knowing full well that as soon as that proud mom openend the door her world would be forever changed. Watching her body crumple at the news was like watching that scene out of "Saving Private Ryan" all over again... only much worse.

Four hours later the children ran across the backyard from the yellow school bus full of "first day back to school" joy and within seconds the joy leapt from their little hearts into the abyss of anguish.

That was Tuesday, January 2, 2012.
It was only a prelude to what would take place the next day, January 3, 2012...

At 5:15 pm I received a phone call with a crying voice on the other end of the line pleading for me to come to the emergency room. Upon my arrival there they were... two proud grandparents and there was the grandson, born six weeks early, oxygen deprived for over 10 minutes with the mother in ICU fighting for her life. The son of these two faithful parents was in Seattle training to be a manager. He would start driving home only to be told to stop in Portland where his wife and new son would be life flighted. We held that little boy's littlest of hands and prayed and prayed...

Nine hours earlier everyone was healthy and normal. Six hours later both Mother and Son would be resting in the arms of Jesus. The father left behind to explain to his toddler daughter why mommy and her new baby brother weren't coming home... ever...

Ten weeks later I would leave Klamath Falls leaving the pastorate and becoming a Vice President at the University of Dubuque.

Nine months later I am calling the year of 2012, "The Lost Year."

Lots of loss in 2012... loss of a job, loss of friends, loss of security, loss of being in a profession and calling that seemed to come so naturally, loss of spiritual identity, the loss of a home, the loss of a routine, the loss of comfortableness, the loss of being the spiritual leader of a great church, and the feeling of being lost spiritually.

So... the questions arise from many people... "In the lostness, I cannot 'feel' God. Where did He go? Where is He? Why won't He comfort me? Why did He abandon me?"

Have you ever asked those questions? Have you ever just asked one of those questions?
Me too...

This is my iWitness...
God is always where He always is... right there! Right next to the very soul of my heart. So close to my hand that the hairs on the back of my hand bow in reverence to His presence. So close to my broken heart that the only reason it actually beats to a rhythmic cadence is because His hands squeeze it in perfect time. So close to my buckling knees that it is only by His strong arms that He keeps me upright and enables me to place one foot in front of the other.

Oh... I may not "feel" the presence all at once but I am comforted by God's words found in
Isaiah 41 and 43...

"You are my servant, I have chosen you and not cast you off";
fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you.
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name, you are mine."

Today, at the funeral of a 50 year old man whose wife is hurting beyond repair, a friend of mine sent these words to me that were used at the funeral...

"Though the voice is quiet, the Spirit echoes still..."

I have had no doubt for the last nine months that I was walking hand in hand with God and that He was leading me on a journey that is just that... a journey. On the journey there will be loss, there will be gains, there will be sadness, there will be joy, there will be mistakes, there will be hearty laughter, there will be buckets of tears, there will be forgiveness and best of all, there God will be... every step of the way, step by step... Praise be to God.

Fear not and Laugh often!
David!